In Sacramento, we appreciate live musical performances much differently than folks in other cities. We don't go for any of those wild shenanigans 'round here; hootin' and hollerin' like bedeviled banshees and whatever the male equivalent of a banshee is. No, on those rare occasions when a nationally touring band does come to town, we Sacramentians know how to mind our manners and enjoy the show in silent, eerily still reverence.
There are, however, some audience members here in The City That Yearns To Be World Class who do not know about, or choose simply to ignore, The Rules. We here at Hi-Lo [Sacramento] would like to take this opportunity to remind these malcontents, misfits and miscreants exactly what these Rules entail. It is our hope that these unruly anarchists will adhere to The Rules, thus making for a calmer and more enjoyable concert-going experience for everyone.
If we all abide by The Rules, it is guaranteed that those national touring bands that have played our town will tell other national touring bands how polite the music-appreciating audiences in Sacramento truly are, thus beating a path directly to our cramped music venues.
The Rules For Concert-Going In Sacramento:
1. Refrain From Movement! Bodily movement of any kind expressing the joy or excitement you are receiving from the music being performed by the band(s) on stage will only serve to distract said band(s) from performing their songs properly. Your stillness and polite clapping (with beer bottle tucked firmly in the crook of your arm, thank you) at the end of each song is all the audience interaction the band(s) require. If movement on your part is absolutely required, a simple back-and-forth head nod should be sufficient.
2. Obey The Distance! A 10-foot perimeter between the audience and the stage should be in effect at all times during the musical performance. Do not enter the chasm between the stage upon which the band is playing and the Audience Zone, or you run the risk of the eyes of all of those in attendance being set upon a-soon-to-be-self-conscious you. Save your "dancing" for any number of dance clubs in Sacramento which feature the exact same music you are seeing live. Remain distant in the Audience Zone at all times!
3. Silence Thyself! Between songs, the band(s) must concentrate on what they shall be performing next. Your bellicose shouting and yelling will only serve to distract the band(s) from doing so, and it will also remind them that you are actually in the same room with them. If the band(s) do say anything to the audience, do not respond! They are testing you. That so-called "Call and Response" hooey has no place at a show within our city limits, thank you very much.
4. Do Not Purchase Anything From The Merchandise Table! The band(s) have a limited supply of merchandise to sell, and they must retain as much of their stock as possible if they are to make it all the way through their tour. Those LP's, CD's and T-shirts in various sizes and colors are there for you to visually appreciate, only! And this should go without saying: look with your eyes, not with your hands.
5. Do Not Engage Any Band Member(s) In Polite Conversation Before Or After The Show! Attempting to engage band members in casual conversation is foolish, and simply rude. Keep a measured distance from these performers. Staring at them will do nicely - the bigger your eyes, the bigger your appreciation of these band members and the music they make. Remember, they are not commoners like you or me; they play musical instruments, drive expensive automobiles, eat at the finest restaurants, and put their pants on with the aid of virginal nubile maidens, both legs at once. What could you possibly have in common with these golden gods?
Now go have fun at the show!
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